I'm terribly scared of losing the ones I love... I have always felt that I am able to feel some pain before it happens... I already know how I'll feel when I live away from home, I already knew how much I would miss my sister when she left for college... The same way I just know how torturous life will be without one of the people I love
It's very irrational. I have this weird disorder. I am sure all of us have our respective disorders. Mine has a lot to do with death.. If I don't do this, this person will die, If I do this, that will happen, like that.. If I don't exit the room before the fan totally stops rotating, I will lose this person. If I don't post this today, that person will die. (See, it just happened) It's been happening ever since I was in class 3 and I learnt about the death of my sister's friend's mother. That's when it hit me- oh my god, I might actually have to live without someone I love! The first thing I thought of- suicide. A mere 7-8 year old contemplating over suicide? And it just worsened with the years. Never will I suicide, I don't see how that's the solution to anything. My death is just going to hurt others around me. And I can't hurt the ones I love intentionally, can I...
And I don't care about my death. It is exciting, you know. I believe in life after death... specially cos when I was a toddler I used to narrate incidents from my past life to my parents.. There's no reason why I wouldn't believe in life after death
I'm still scared, here, as I lie in my bed typing this. The lights are out and music is blaring in my ears. I can just lie down and THINK... but it hurts too much. So i turn to writing my thoughts down, it always makes me feel better.. talking to someone isn't that beneficial, I don't get the response I want and that causes more frustration...
No comments:
Post a Comment