Deviance

Does everything have to really be about movies and books and names of things? I mean, is that the only way we can interact and learn about each other - through their interests, that we are constatnly judging them by? It's like a standard has been set, and we base everything about them on the basis of that. I mean, I do it too, but in a different way. I don't expect everyone to have been a die hard Enid Blyton fan growing up, but if I find someone who is then that's a very pleasant surprise for me. I don't go about looking for it - except in fun - nor would I like someone lesser if they'd had and still have a completely different 'cultural' viewpoint from mine.

Maybe, then, this name business is just the beginning. Maybe it shows that the person is interested in you, and maybe its a good thing.

I should stop blaming my memory for not being able to explain who I am, more so I should stop thinking that people are expecting to know me through my memory. Just like it is for me, for everyone too it's not just what you say its a lot about what's around what you're saying, that matters.

Why does being smart have to do with how much information you can hold in your head? You can feel things or have opinions without having to store all the information too, you can still be smart even if you don't remember what you had for lunch last weekend or what the name of your favourite movie is!

P-remise

I think its the idea of rejection that is my biggest weakness. Maybe cause I've experienced it so intensely first handedly, or maybe I experienced it so intensely because that was the premise in my head, and the reason why things didn't 'work out', or go the way I wanted them to.

Which is why when I'ma in any situation even remotely similar, or any kind of situation that can make me feel upset, the premise resurfaces, and I feel the same feeling in different intensities.

Politicising my present

I think "ideal reality" is a paradox. What is the literary term for two sets of words that are paradoxes, when used together, i Forget. So much that does not stay, in the memory. It always boils down to feelings, and feelings chart our experience and our memories.

How, then, are we supposed to study this? And make it meaningful at the same time? I'm having the usual exTISSential crisis, I suppose. But I think its coming at the right time. I needed this politicisation of my thoughts. But I must remember to not give up on all the subjectivity and personal that is mine.

Holdie Locks

Cannot hold onto anything. I remind myself of that, and I feel a familiar sense of stability. The more I live, the more I feel like I have a grasp on my reality.  But ironically the grasp that I'm talking about is the acceptance that there can never be any grasp :P

I used to pretend like I was living in the moment. That was the entire concept of the pause button. But now I'm living life in tiny episodes. And the length of these episodes has not been defined by me. I cannot move the cursor to the bottom of the screen to see the time line. I realise that I was doing it wrong earlier.. it was about the point and just the point. When all the while it should have been about the movement - even when things felt stationery. 

[Validation]

It's been a while. I wonder why. Blogging represents the most self-involved internal process of mine that could ever exist. I think it also represents my wanting to communicate these thoughts to the world, right? The things I write in a diary are never read. But these are.. (probably) by strangers. There's so much pressure to be liked, to be accepted. And to be admired if you've managed to achieve those other objectives. Why? Why can't I just write, why can't I just feel, why can't I just be - without the incessant need for validation!

peAk

I think the worst part about growing up is taking responsibility for your actions. And this isn't limited to being able to cook and clean or being on time, even. It's about not having, in fact not wanting to blame anybody else or even the circumstances for mistakes that you've made. It's about accepting the flaws that are in you. You didn't actually end up going to a tier 1 college. You were never the top of your class. You never did actually excel at anything. You may have been average, perhaps slightly above average. 

Growing up is about accepting that there's a possibility that you've, in fact, already peaked.

Four years younger, never the wiser.

Four years hence, when I look back to today
Will I see a face just as immature and self conceited
As the one I did just now, when I
backtracked to another time
four years before now?

Let this be living proof
And let the judgements begin.

Post Thought- This may be a biased piece of writing as the pressure of proving that time is proportional to wisdom is weighing upon me.

The feline race vs. the canine race

So now I'm just going to rant out the conversation in my head. I've been harping on this theme for quite a few weeks now but that's only cause I think that there's actually a crazy amount of truth here.
Well, here's my confession

I feel like I'm a cross between a dog and a cat.


And, before we dive further into this statement let me bring the context into the picture..

I've been ​standing at the overly iconic 'crossroad​' of my life for about a year now, and I haven't ​really moved from here.
It's like I found a rabbit hole and had myself a little adventure, but now that it's time to stick my head back out and into the real world, it feels like no progress has been made in terms of the decision that has to be made - which road am I going to take? But instead of a tangled web of roads that can be taken at least now I'm able to draw a vertical clear line in the center of my figurative thinking paper and categorise the roads into two directions- the dog life and the cat life.
I've ALWAYS ALWAYS (I would stress on the always more if I could) thought that I was a dog person. I had never ever even imagined in the most anti-world scenario that I would even consider myself a cat person. And then. 2013 happened. And 2014. With reasons ranging from interacting with the feline race; interacting with ​cat people, falling for cat people, having interesting discussions with cat people (not necessarily in that order :) ) and doing a fair bit of secondary data research (and this research I speak of may very well have been limited to a couple of articles ;P) on personalities of cat people - being SUPER adventurous, having no rigid norms, NOT being driven to and by emotions - it was, it was, like a whole new world was being opened to me. The fact that I never ever even CONSIDERED the possibility of....say....having a kitten had somehow cordoned off so much world for me that it seemed like all the plans in my head, the equation of my life had been missing a variable all along.

So career wise, it seems like I could either go along the old comfortable dog(eaty) dog world and follow the path I would have always imagined myself taken.. or.. or.. take the 'less thought of path' (but just as trodden*) that excites me to the core.

But maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe all roads lead the same way.

*Reference

"You are a dot. A tiny spot. Sometimes, you may be stretched into a line. But that is all" **

That is all that you are, in the universe. It's a good thing. Sometimes it's bad. Good because that's all that you mean - and there's no pressure. It would be terrible if you were more than just a dot, don't you think? Wouldn't there be too much pressure on your little life… hours too few and days too little to do all that you were bounded to, and bound to accomplish. It's better like this, don't you think.. you're not as full, not as meaningful. 

I used to think.. 'Life is short. Don't fight with people who mean something to you'. But you know what, I'm realising that people aren't all that important after all. You yourself aren't as important as you think you are in your tiny little head. If you are able to remove all subjectivity from your life and look at it as one objective little dot - you realise that what I'm saying is absolutely true.

**Read this recently in a book by Ravishanker Bal - called Dozakhnama.