Chapter One

This is NOT a love story. It is the story if a simple girl trying to absorb herself in the world around her just to run away from the world inside her.

This is NOT a work of fiction, or a work of facts. It is just the simple, truthful story of a girl who tried very hard to impress the ones around her. She tried so hard that it was quite easy for her to fail. But the worst part was, that when she fell in the eyes of those who looked up to her and expected brilliance from her, most of all, she fell in her own eyes.

Staring into the mirror late into the night..the dark circles under her unrested eyes, the smeared acne all over her chin..her scraggy hair spread all over her forehead as a result of a failed hair makeover. But there was still a brightness in her pale yellow eyes. Not a spark of hope by any change, just a bit of moisture heavily resting on her iris. She felt its weight, just like she felt the weight of all the things heavily resting on her shoulders. The things that she was supposed to do, the milestones that she was supposed to reach...everything was heavy, except for her brown leather wallet.. THAT, was empty as a feather.

That does not change anything, She thought to herself. I have all that I every wanted..

These thoughts in her, she walked down the deserted corridor of her school locker room..till her eyes met the gaze, of somebody staring at her. Shuddering with fear, she started walking really fast in the opposite direction.

The stalker was at it again. Amy had never seen him before this month, but here he was again. He managed to catch her everyday outside school, follow her till she reached her apartment. He was there in the cafeteria as if waiting for her to come in and take her lunch tray from old Miss Sheila. He was there when she rushed into the practicals lab after school every day. A few times she tried to confront him, but she was too afraid. Not of HIM. He was a scraggy looking fellow who looked like a few harsh words could scare him into bursting into tears. But of his gaze. Nothing could frighten Amy more than a firm gaze. Unlifting, and unchanging. The same gaze that had changed so much about her. The same gaze that she had nightmares about, every Friday when she was all alone in her house..and the same gaze that she could almost see every time she closed her eyelids to blink.
But if I tell you more right now, I'll just be spoiling the story for you. And that's not what you would want. LIfe is all about anticipating the future and living the excitement every moment. Nobody can know where or how their life will end. Nobody can know the end of a story till they have read it. Especially not if it is a story as true as Amy's..

Baby its cold outside..

Sometimes people need help. They dont need a rehab, they dont need therapy centres. They just need help. They need a break, from the monotony of life and the futileness of relationships. They need a break from all things that make them happy and all things that make them sad. They need to spend some time in the place where they came from..the place where they had first discovered themselves. They need to rediscover themselves. Think of yourself like a scientist. life is all about reactions isnt it? Endothermic- u end up feeling sick inside. Exothermic- u end up releasing all ur collected energy. science student. but now I'm an arts student. Did i make the right choice? Let me not think too much about it. I always sucked at sciences. maybe cos I never tried hard enough. but then, I didn't have the will to try hard enough, so that must mean that that wasn't the right field for me. but im not tryin hard even now. maybe im just an inherantly distracted human being and I can never do the thing that I am supposed to do.

So here I am. trying to figure out who I am, what I want from life. Am I at the right place? Did I make the right choices? Did I hurt too many people on my way here? Was I hurt by too many people?

How does it matter, as long as I learn from my mistakes.. As an sms forward once said, "It's okay to cry. But once you're done crying, don't ever cry for the same reason again."

Salvation of the Mightbe.

I used to believe in God...till my fears got the better of me. What if my prayers are never answered..what if the bad feeling in my heart never goes away..what if something bad happens to someone I know and I cannot even help.
My Fears. As a little girl...as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend..as a fellow human being. My Fears. As a growing child..as an adolescent..as a pre-teen. My Fears, began to crush me. I began to let my thoughts and my impertinent fancies get the better of me. I took to strange OCD's and little mind games. My life, hardly two decades worth on this green planet, and that was all that it had come to.

I began to wonder...why do people even pray...why do they need a faith so powerful, why can't the power of their mind, of their logic and their thinking be enough for them to live on without an external faith? My confidence grew, so did my personality. My grades improved..i realised that my IQ was much above average, and, truthfully, I began to fail myself from the inside. I rose, and rose..built myself a foundation of success, built on the confidence on faith in myself-internal (or so I thought)...till the fateful day when I realised that I could not control the entire world around me. I could NOT control my future. No matter how hard I tried to choose a path distant and less travelled, I would reach the same point I would have reached had I followed ANY path. It did not matter. I did not matter anymore. I began to see the bigger picture. My role, the macrocosm of my microcosmic presence..
I began to believe, once again.
In the power of the almighty.

I had failed, once, twice...but I had learnt..
And I had learnt well.

Euphoriaaa..aa...aaaa

Naturally, we are all born different. If even iiiidentical twins have a 0.88 correlation, how can you possibly imagine having a correlation of 1 with aaanybody?
How can you ever expect to not fight with the ones you think you love. How can you ever imagine a world without difference, without wars, and with only peace!

Hunger thrills.

Little sad, life is. Little nice, life is.
Overall, is a little crazy.

Good evening.
You're here. There must be a reason?
Do you know the reason why you're here?
Do you WANNA know?

You don't wanna know. Okay.
Do you care?
Do I care if you care? No.
I don't.
Am I lying about that?
Probably.

So we were crossing the Sahara desert, last april. When a biiiig black bird came swoooping down and grabbed a bit of my thumb and flew away with it. Tasty, it must have been.
Cos....it came back for more.

Love the truth nature can help us find; Love the way two wrongs make a right.



She found herself walking on a dark road, a few weeks back, a few books in her hand.. it was late, late for her to be walking alone in this shady dusky lane.

Two strange men crossed her. They seemed bored and lazy. They yelled something, something sick. But she ignored them and kept walking.

Where was she going? Why was she here? Why didn't she tell us what was going on in her head. Somewhat like Edward* isn't able to read Bella's mind, the world wasn't able to understand her. But the difference was, this was no sloppy romantic fiction. This was the truth. And there wouldn't BE a made up happy ending in this story, would there? She slid into her car, turned the ignition, absent minded as she was, she pressed the accelerator hard hard onto the floor, and the car jerked forward and then stopped. The lurch forward brought her into her senses. She threw her keys on the passenger seat and lay her head gently on the steering wheel as a few tears rolled down her cheek...over her lips and onto her jeans. The same jeans she'd been wearing for a week. It was like she didn't quite care anymore. Her hair was a mess, her eyes red from all the crying, and she had bruises all over her soft skin.

The moon was peeking through a cloud or two, the "naughty moon" that had been following her since she was an infant. "Why will it go where I will?" her immature voice had asked many years back, and she was used to the same answer, "Its the naughty moon. It'll go wherever you will."

So she always had her moon to look upto.. early in the evenings or late in the nights; It would always be there, watching over her.

But one day, the moon just wasn't there. There was darkness in the sky. No man on the moon to spot on the burning surface, no shining light overhead......where had it disappeared?

Her little heart in her mouth, blood gushing and throbbing in her head and everywhere where she could feel it, she groped fearfully in the darkness, looking for her beloved naughty moon..would she be able to find it? Or had it left it, and broken its promise to her... but ah, there it was, right over her head, the bough of the chestnut tree had blocked it from her view, but for only a little while. It had come right back into her view. Even when it disappeared, her naughty moon would always reappear. :)


***