Saturday, March 24, 2012

My kind of different is your kind of indifferent

The world is a place. It is a space. Much like that space bar on your keyboard - very essential to your typing yet you cannot help but wish that there was an easier way to separate your words. But you are so used to this kind of typing that you do not question it...
As for now all that I am trying to talk about are things that do not matter as much as I pretend to myself (and to you) that they do. Because I am currently facing an avoidance of the issue that has blocked (and has had me blog-ged as well) from any positive emotion as such. Now that is my kind of indifferent. The pretense, the mind games. A complete ruthless denial. A never-not-seen-before refusal to succumb to the fact that I am merely a puppet. A muse. That all that I have or what I choose to believe that I have is but something that had been bestowed on me by a bigger something.. a choice that never even was mine to make.. an option, conclusively, that was a compulsion that was forced on me.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

A simple statement which reflects my mood for the day: Somehow when I am sad, I find it very difficult to be happy.

There was a time in my life when the faint of a smile would bring great fear with it… I didn’t want to be too happy because I theoretically knew that an upward graph can only go one way once it reached its peak. But then a wonderful something happened to me. You can call it love (for life or for a person, I’d rather not say); immense faith, fortune or even misfortune. It all depends on how you look at it. Whether you look at it as a graph that curved its way upwards and resulted in a slant downwards, or as a curve that reached a high point no other curve had been or even dreamt of. “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” If you want to be cynical you can find a way to be so in the wealthiest and the prettiest of situations. And I am no cynic. A well-graded psychology report too told me very recently that I am highly unrealistic and optimistic. Quite a deadly combination, don’t you think. So I can live on in my world of denial for almost forever as I see the picture so much clearer and more beautiful than it actually is and while I am living on in that frame of mind in a strange sort of unreal denial, I will unrealistically not see where I am headed. I will bask in the glory of my unrealistic dreams and optimistically tread my way through the thorny bushes (which might even prick me, but I won’t feel the pain because in my head there ARE no thorns) and I will feel the pain only later when a lot has happened and I have been brought back into my size five shoes which have been lying peacefully on the ground the entire time.