Baby its cold outside..

Sometimes people need help. They dont need a rehab, they dont need therapy centres. They just need help. They need a break, from the monotony of life and the futileness of relationships. They need a break from all things that make them happy and all things that make them sad. They need to spend some time in the place where they came from..the place where they had first discovered themselves. They need to rediscover themselves. Think of yourself like a scientist. life is all about reactions isnt it? Endothermic- u end up feeling sick inside. Exothermic- u end up releasing all ur collected energy. science student. but now I'm an arts student. Did i make the right choice? Let me not think too much about it. I always sucked at sciences. maybe cos I never tried hard enough. but then, I didn't have the will to try hard enough, so that must mean that that wasn't the right field for me. but im not tryin hard even now. maybe im just an inherantly distracted human being and I can never do the thing that I am supposed to do.

So here I am. trying to figure out who I am, what I want from life. Am I at the right place? Did I make the right choices? Did I hurt too many people on my way here? Was I hurt by too many people?

How does it matter, as long as I learn from my mistakes.. As an sms forward once said, "It's okay to cry. But once you're done crying, don't ever cry for the same reason again."

Salvation of the Mightbe.

I used to believe in God...till my fears got the better of me. What if my prayers are never answered..what if the bad feeling in my heart never goes away..what if something bad happens to someone I know and I cannot even help.
My Fears. As a little girl...as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend..as a fellow human being. My Fears. As a growing child..as an adolescent..as a pre-teen. My Fears, began to crush me. I began to let my thoughts and my impertinent fancies get the better of me. I took to strange OCD's and little mind games. My life, hardly two decades worth on this green planet, and that was all that it had come to.

I began to wonder...why do people even pray...why do they need a faith so powerful, why can't the power of their mind, of their logic and their thinking be enough for them to live on without an external faith? My confidence grew, so did my personality. My grades improved..i realised that my IQ was much above average, and, truthfully, I began to fail myself from the inside. I rose, and rose..built myself a foundation of success, built on the confidence on faith in myself-internal (or so I thought)...till the fateful day when I realised that I could not control the entire world around me. I could NOT control my future. No matter how hard I tried to choose a path distant and less travelled, I would reach the same point I would have reached had I followed ANY path. It did not matter. I did not matter anymore. I began to see the bigger picture. My role, the macrocosm of my microcosmic presence..
I began to believe, once again.
In the power of the almighty.

I had failed, once, twice...but I had learnt..
And I had learnt well.

Euphoriaaa..aa...aaaa

Naturally, we are all born different. If even iiiidentical twins have a 0.88 correlation, how can you possibly imagine having a correlation of 1 with aaanybody?
How can you ever expect to not fight with the ones you think you love. How can you ever imagine a world without difference, without wars, and with only peace!

Hunger thrills.

Little sad, life is. Little nice, life is.
Overall, is a little crazy.

Good evening.
You're here. There must be a reason?
Do you know the reason why you're here?
Do you WANNA know?

You don't wanna know. Okay.
Do you care?
Do I care if you care? No.
I don't.
Am I lying about that?
Probably.

So we were crossing the Sahara desert, last april. When a biiiig black bird came swoooping down and grabbed a bit of my thumb and flew away with it. Tasty, it must have been.
Cos....it came back for more.

Love the truth nature can help us find; Love the way two wrongs make a right.



She found herself walking on a dark road, a few weeks back, a few books in her hand.. it was late, late for her to be walking alone in this shady dusky lane.

Two strange men crossed her. They seemed bored and lazy. They yelled something, something sick. But she ignored them and kept walking.

Where was she going? Why was she here? Why didn't she tell us what was going on in her head. Somewhat like Edward* isn't able to read Bella's mind, the world wasn't able to understand her. But the difference was, this was no sloppy romantic fiction. This was the truth. And there wouldn't BE a made up happy ending in this story, would there? She slid into her car, turned the ignition, absent minded as she was, she pressed the accelerator hard hard onto the floor, and the car jerked forward and then stopped. The lurch forward brought her into her senses. She threw her keys on the passenger seat and lay her head gently on the steering wheel as a few tears rolled down her cheek...over her lips and onto her jeans. The same jeans she'd been wearing for a week. It was like she didn't quite care anymore. Her hair was a mess, her eyes red from all the crying, and she had bruises all over her soft skin.

The moon was peeking through a cloud or two, the "naughty moon" that had been following her since she was an infant. "Why will it go where I will?" her immature voice had asked many years back, and she was used to the same answer, "Its the naughty moon. It'll go wherever you will."

So she always had her moon to look upto.. early in the evenings or late in the nights; It would always be there, watching over her.

But one day, the moon just wasn't there. There was darkness in the sky. No man on the moon to spot on the burning surface, no shining light overhead......where had it disappeared?

Her little heart in her mouth, blood gushing and throbbing in her head and everywhere where she could feel it, she groped fearfully in the darkness, looking for her beloved naughty moon..would she be able to find it? Or had it left it, and broken its promise to her... but ah, there it was, right over her head, the bough of the chestnut tree had blocked it from her view, but for only a little while. It had come right back into her view. Even when it disappeared, her naughty moon would always reappear. :)


***

Are you watching over me as I type this? Are you there gently coaxing me when I go wrong, gently pushing me to take the right step in the right decision? I guess you are.. At least, I choose to believe that you are.. Imperfect relations, imperfect endings.... but when I look at these seventeen years gone by so far, I feel glad. Glad I had a father like you to talk about, glad I was born to a person like you, and even more glad that you live on in my sister and me..

May your extremely wonderful soul rest in peace..

Laberloo!!!

Butterfly fly away...

She glanced at the clock time and time again, and waited for the clock to strike four. When it finally did, there was no one to hear it.. Though the little bird right outside the rusty old window sill heard it, as it chirped and chirped to its little ones sitting idly in the cosy nest up in the banyan tree.

"Mother!" cried Sheila wildly, "I've torn it, I've torn it," she ran yelling into the kitchen right outside the front yard where the banyan tree stood spreading its boughs. She crunched a few brown leaves that dried out on the front yard under the hot July sun in this small town in Northern India.

The little bird that had heard the sound of the clock flapped its winds and took up a flight as if in a fit of madness. Sheila saw it as she looked over her shoulder. She crossed her eyes and stopped midway on the path between the house and the kitchen. Her mother stormed angrily into the yard, her hands all greased in what looked like the remains of a white frothy cake. "What you yelling for" she spat in broken English, Sheila just nodded her head as if in agreement and in total lost bewilderment muttered, "nothing"...


* * *

When we don't stop to think we don't heave a sigh and we don't let out the pain.. The tears are frozen in their own heat we don't hear our thoughts we don't even breathe..

'Cos Crazy Comes Naturally...

I am now going to say something totally against my principles... because my new principle is to NOT BE RIGID.... "Find a new love the moment you fall out of love with the previous one"... with certain conditions followed, of course. The longer you are alone, the crazier you get. At least that is what happens to me. I reach this point when I can leave everyone who loves me and go to the hills to live the life of a hermit... a hermit with a bottle of alcohol... haha =)

And I don't mean you go LOOK for someone, just be friendly and you'll soon find someone who fits most of your criteria. And do things you totally would not have expected yourself to be doing. Do the most unpredictable thing.... Shock your friends and yourself... :)

Be crazy and live each second of every minute of every hour of every day....

Security lies in your thinking...

Miss Understanding should get married...

Colour of Death

Death reminds me of black. But when I actually put my mind to thinking about it, only one colour can come to my mind..... WHITE.... Death is pure, death is magical, death is undefined, death is simple, death just exists, it's the presence of something very substantial. Black is evil black is a fear, black means the absence of light... totally not MY opinion on death.

I'm not scared of death. I want to face it I know it's not that bad. Maybe I AM scared because it is uncertain. I am, after all, human. Fears engulf me like the ocean engulfs the sea.

But black gives me sadistic vibrations, white gives me angelic vibrations. For something that needs to cross my part in this journey of mine, I'd rather make myself believe in something pure like white, like death...

Ohm's Law

The potential difference across a wire is directly proportional to the amount of current flowing through the wire as long as the temperature and pressure are kept constant.

Say point 'A' and point 'B' are connected by a wire 'W' of resistance 'R'. When R decreases the current 'I' through the wire increases. A time may come when the current causes an electrical fire and results in damage of the circuit.

Now let us assume that A~you and B~your good friend. As long as there is sufficient resistance between you two the amount of current in the wire connecting you two will not be enough to cause damage.

I wish there was a fuse I could fit in somewhere... Resistance hurts it makes life difficult. But it has to exist and we have to control it. Science cannot give us reasonable explanations for why things are the way they are. Biology, the brain structure, psychology. We follow them as blindly as people believed all 'knowledge' before renaissance. We need something more substantial we need an individual opinion that can cause a lot of controversies but can eventually result in answers to problems no one has found the solution of as yet...

E(x)isting?

God loves those who love themselves. I found this written by me in pencil on the keychain of the secret diary that I used to keep in 2003.. and it struck me, I was always this way, the senti-sloppy philosophical psycho that I am.. :P I just KNOW what to call it now!

Firstly, I used the word "God", I had a lot of faith in him. Not just blind faith. But now I call myself an agnostic, but I know that from inside I still believe in that something. My faith in my magic, the water the medicines the shoes, I use that to coat my faith in some superpower that is helping me exist.

Loooove

Loooove Me Tender, Love Me Sweet.. Never Let Me Go

Elvis Presley, the KING.. Ever noticed what the "never let me go" signifies? INSECURITY...

Stuck In Reverse

Till I find my faith I can never move ahead. I Am "Stuck In Reverse". As for my faith, water maybe. I like how it is so strong, harsh, yet peaceful. It's got two sides like I do. Like everyone does. What you see is so wrong. I see a clear blue ocean. What is it in reality? It is something everyone mistakes as pacific. "The calm before the storm" in a way. You never know what is underneath that surface. Till you go swimming underwater. And if the pressure gets too much, you die....

Maybe I can create a new faith and guide the world along with myself. Motivate them if I cannot motivate myself. And I shall gradually find myself motivated as well.

Cure Me, Or Endure Me....

If you can't cure something, you have to endure it don't you? Unless you give up on it completely. If it's not WORTH your time and your patience.

I find myself talking a lot about what is worth me and what is not worth me. I'm standardising myself in a way. Maybe standardising is the wrong word. I am putting myself in the category where others can compare me to different things. Not comparison with different people, but THINGS. They can prioritise their habits their schedules over me. Everyone does that all the time. Except for gems that I come across. *smiles*

I know I have terrible faults. I tend to go VERY WRONG. But I know best what I'm like. You HAVE the right to tell me where I'm wrong, but don't put it in such a way that I forget that that's just ONE part of the whole scene.

I feel bliss when I LIKE myself and I feel frustration when I don't like myself. That's just the person I am. What you think of me does bother me, but what I think of myself is what pinches me when the time really matters. No one can understand me perfectly but myself. So who is my best friend from the beginning to the end? Only ME. I'm the one who HAS to live with ME the whole day, every day, every year, from 1992 to... Right?

Anger. I feel it again. Because I am not being to get my point across clearly.

You CANNOT cure me. You CANNOT endure me.

Give Up.

Walk out that door and breathe the fresh air you have been longing for. "Some things can never improve!" Give up on me like I'm a bad joke and bid me goodbye..

Thanatophobia - Fear Of Death...

I'm terribly scared of losing the ones I love... I have always felt that I am able to feel some pain before it happens... I already know how I'll feel when I live away from home, I already knew how much I would miss my sister when she left for college... The same way I just know how torturous life will be without one of the people I love

It's very irrational. I have this weird disorder. I am sure all of us have our respective disorders. Mine has a lot to do with death.. If I don't do this, this person will die, If I do this, that will happen, like that.. If I don't exit the room before the fan totally stops rotating, I will lose this person. If I don't post this today, that person will die. (See, it just happened) It's been happening ever since I was in class 3 and I learnt about the death of my sister's friend's mother. That's when it hit me- oh my god, I might actually have to live without someone I love! The first thing I thought of- suicide. A mere 7-8 year old contemplating over suicide? And it just worsened with the years. Never will I suicide, I don't see how that's the solution to anything. My death is just going to hurt others around me. And I can't hurt the ones I love intentionally, can I...

And I don't care about my death. It is exciting, you know. I believe in life after death... specially cos when I was a toddler I used to narrate incidents from my past life to my parents.. There's no reason why I wouldn't believe in life after death

I'm still scared, here, as I lie in my bed typing this. The lights are out and music is blaring in my ears. I can just lie down and THINK... but it hurts too much. So i turn to writing my thoughts down, it always makes me feel better.. talking to someone isn't that beneficial, I don't get the response I want and that causes more frustration...

Mean Is Always Mean!

Why will a normal human being want to be mean? What more does a person want? A person wants love. And being mean does not make us get love, then what is our motive behind being mean? Once again, our motive behind being mean is love. For some, it is acceptance that matters. They can lie, deceive, cheat, to be accepted by the ones they love, and in return get their love. For others it is basically selfishness. The love for themselves and their own happiness lies well above their love for other's happiness. So then, where does being mean fit in?

Everyone makes mistakes... Is being mean one of them?

Maybe we mean to be mean. Everytime we are being mean, we do it intentionally. Maybe we don't call it being mean, maybe we know that we are being mean. What is it? Are we all angels disguised as flesh ? Or are we devils? Who coined 'angels' and 'devils' and WHY am I using these terms here? Because at one point a fleshed human made these terms and put them in the English Language. Were his intentions being MEAN? Or did he think he was doing something for the welfare of the society. Oh and people applauded him and he was given many awards. He was given respect in society. Something HE WANTED. He wanted the attention. Was he being MEAN?

Mean should be when we are hurting someone, right. Not just when we are helping ourself. So was he not being mean? But he was doing it for sole selfish reasons wasn't he. Selfish always means compromising on the benfit of others, so was he still not being mean?

Swing Wide, Tip To Either Side!

I'll be easy on myself... *sighs* Life is very hard anyway and I don't wanna add to all my stress. *takes a deep breath* So, you swing, it's okay. Nothing wrong. You tip, that too is okay. As long as you keep your balance. You should not fall. Because if you fall, well, there's a lot to deal with then. I'm not saying people will laugh at you, though they WILL laugh at you. You might get hurt. But most importantly, when you DO get up (see I'm assuming that you WILL get up, i'm an optimistic kid!) will you ever swing that wide again??? That one fall can make you change your perspective totally. Like when you fall in love for the first time.. Some people say that you're just immature. I'd like to say that you are simply ignorant. And ignorance IS bliss. You have no idea how much it'll hurt later and so you keeeep swinging wide... you tip reeeal bad. And you fall. (yes you always fall) And then, you get up. You DO get up. But do you ever swing that wide again?

Not just love, Don't you dare judge me. I am not going to be one of those sloppy heartbroken teens, cos i am NOT a heartbroken teen, my heart is quite okay, thank you very much for asking.

Not just love, everything that a human does, he loses faith in it soon enough. He stops trying! WHY????

As if life isn't faithless already.. why did you have to stop trying?

ICE FIRE MAGIC....

I like having this little stories to tell from my childhood. I feel quite boastful because I remember lots of small rather crummy incidents. Most are too personal and will not even be understood by someone who doesn't know me well.. But some are amazingly cool. Like the fact that I remember my past life experiences. (More on that later, hold your horses) and the incident when I ALMOST DIED.. okay so I usually tend to exaggerate, but I am NOT exaggerating here, sweetpea. So Fire Fire, Yeah. Chilly Winter Night In Dehradun (I'd like to call it Dehra, makes the feel quite right but I cannot because I told myself a few years back that I hate the name Dehra cos Ruskin Bond is overrated, I don't think he's that overrated but I just feel jealous of him I think, anyway, back to the point!) A Cold Winter Night In Doon. Wait, you know what. this blog is totally public and I don't write about things that are directly related to me, so sorry, you're never getting to hear this story!

So lets talk about the things that I like and still don't quite like. For Example CHAAT. If someone says, you like chaat? I make a face and I say NO. You wanna know why?? EVEN I wanna know why!!! I like chaat, okay. I like eating it. But I absolutely HAVE to claim that I DO NOT like chaat. I don't even eat it till someone stuffily puts it in front of me and tells me to. And then I do eat it (I don't like making scenes) and I secretly enjoy it. Yes I do! Somebody please try explaining that to me! It's not even like the times when people say they don't like something our of habit. I don't do things like that! I accept change, okay! No I do not have an emotional problem so please kindly get off my back!

Do You Believe In Magic?

Innocence of an Ignorant, Inexperienced mind... or... Reality of the Experienced Truth?

Take it in any way, But to everyone and even to you, it is the result that matters. Who cares about HOW u got there? Have your faith, have no faith at all... What matters is where you get in the very end! Whether you believe in magic or not, doesn't really matter! Then what do we have to lose?

Believe in Magic.....

Give it a try!

Little Boy: Magic, please give me a bicycle
--WOOSH, Genie Appears, along with a BSA-Mach II--

Naa. That's not what I'm saying...

Believe in yourself first...

and when it gets too much to handle, don't give up. At least keep your faith in it. And if your wish falls in the category of RIGHT in this world, let's see how it is not granted............. EVENTUALLY...........






:)

The Past Doesnt Last!

Looking back at what i wrote in 2007, i fine my writings a bit kiddish. And i remember writing them as if it was just a week back. And i remember feeling totally mature! Ha! So i guess time DOES change everyone, no matter how hard they try to deny it.

It takes TIME to get to know the real you. And every time you tell urself, now i know who i am, something comes up to upset the whole thing and u reach where ud started.

Sometimes u get strange dreams. I had a dream that i was wearing a skirt and i was on a Monkey Bar. I remember feeling embarrassed about that. I can feel what i felt then, even thought that was a dream and it really didnt happen. It was an illusion that probably left an impression on me as strongly as a fact would have.

The Past few years iv been on my way, shaping my personality with all sorts of strange and unique habits. And even now i know, that im gonna change. Im not gonna remain the same for long.

The Past Doesnt ever Last, you gotta accept that!

Positively Negitive or Negitively Positive?

Pessimism, I guarantee you, will be the reason for your downfall. I am no soothsayer, but i know this much.

Optimism often leads to Over-Confidence, which leads, once again becomes the reason for your downfall.

Hence we have to take care to keep our Optimism alive along with our Pessimism but keep them both well within their margins!

Examinashuns!

that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach... that weird sensation running through your fingers... the breathlessness... yeah... these are the real feelings of "Examinations" and mind you, they are definitely not good feelings... as a matter of fact, if we get these feelings too frequently, it can be quite dangerous for our little, underdeveloped minds.. they can actually be bad for our health... and our parents would not like us unhealthy, now, would they? ... and there is just one solution to our health.. so that we can remain healthy and cheerful.. wouldn't it benefit the whole world if we, tomorrow's people are always joyful? .. and that can only be achieved if

.

.

.

.

if

.

.

.

.

there are no examinations!

C'mon, guys, i know you're with me! ... but i DO have examinations... and i HAVE to study... aaaaaaaah... i wish my theory could actually win over the "adults!"

dream on, tanya!

HUMANITY

Humanity aint that bad.. I mean.. We so called "good" people consider strangers and others as "bad" and the world as the "big, bad place" ... maybe im immature, but i dont think so.. more than 70% of the population in the world is actually good, (if not more) and the little population (30%, maybe lesser) is the reason why we take a generalised view and consider everyone as "bad."

I have personally seen so many people in my short life who are great human beings, whether i personally know them or not... maybe not all strangers will guide you if you ask them for directions, a few may even give you the wrong directions... but that does not mean that every stranger will give you wrong directions... there are so many people out there in the world, waiting to give you the correct directions, but somehow, you approach the stranger who gets tempted into misleading you..

As for trust, that is something that is portrayed very well in ruskin bond's short story, titled "The Thief"
It is about a young, 15 year old thief who starts working for this sweet, gullible man called Arun.... Arun is a person who trusts blindly.. so Arun and Deepak (the thief) become good friends, and Arun teaches deepak things like cooking, writing, reading (a little bit of the last two) and Deepak kindda forgets to exploit him... however, one day when Arun gets his salary, he tucks the money under his matteress, Deepak gets this strong urge to steal, and he takes the money out, and plans to take the next train and leave... so he leaves.. he is just in time for the train, but something, something stops him... that something, my dear friends, is trust...

Hallo People...

Im just tryin to figure out this blog thing so that i can add it to my orkut profile... so if u ARE vela enough to read this lemme remind u, this is my blog, u wont get any useful thing outta this... fine, if u are STILL reading this, lemme tell u my favourite quote... not a quote, a saying.. what ever!!
"I thought a thought. But the thought i though was not the thought i thought i though. if the thought i thought i thought, had been the thought i thought, i wouldn't have thought so much...
TA-DAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!